I'm an idiot with a sob story to tell and advice to seek

[jtk1519]

***Warning: what follows is long, boring and will leave you thinking that I'm a jerk. You've been warned***

I don’t normally present to this board (or any for that matter) matters of a personal nature, but I have recently found myself confronted with circumstances that are beyond my comprehension and, I fear, beyond my ability to confront. This board represents a wide spectrum of opinions that I have grown to trust so it is my hope that maybe a little direction can be found from you anonymous, but gorgeous faces.

A little background info… I had been best friends with a guy my age since I was in elementary school. We went to church together, hung out together… all that crap. He had a sister a couple of years younger than us. Since I spent as much time around them and their family as I did my own, she became an extended member of my family and I always treated her as such. Anyway, as the years grew, we grew and so did our relationship. She went from being my best friend’s sister to a very special part of my life. A few years ago, a multitude of events intensified our relationship. Keep in mind that at this point the relationship was completely platonic. There was a great deal of love, but it was that non-sexual male-female love that has hopefully been experienced by others so I don’t sound like a complete idiot. That being said, I felt our relationship was starting to shift to more of a non-platonic, intimate relationship. For the better part of a year, she fell asleep every night in my arms and I closed my eyes to thank God for putting her in my life.

Now, keep in mind that at this point we are still seeing other people. I was still battle scared from a horrendous breakup that was all my fault so I was beating the hell out of myself. Perhaps it is then that I started to see my friend in a different light, but that is beside the point. We discussed our relationships with each other, bounced ideas off of each other and the sort. It was seriously a Joey/Dawson type Dawson’s Creek relationship (I really do like that show BTW). She had gone through some tough spells of her own and I could see that she was being drawn to the wrong kind of man. The kind of shady guys that care about one thing, get it and leave. I know so many of these guys that I can smell their imitation Polo Sport a mile away. I tried my best to warn her and help her out. I didn't pretend to suggest that I was the answer to her problems, but I tried to be a facilitator for that answer. For what ever the physiological reason, I think her past which included sexual abuse (not from a family member) and her recent string of bad relationships, started drawing her to these bad types.

The side story to this is that her brother, who had been my friend since little league, and I were growing apart as friends. Frankly, we couldn’t stand each other any more and we both knew it. We threw around the word “friend” as carelessly as one throws out a bag of trash and our friendship meant about that much to us. Our friendship ended very abruptly in the parking lot of Shotwell Stadium as we were watching an Abilene High soccer game. It had been brought to my attention that in a state of inebriation, he had done some inappropriate things and I took it upon myself to confront him. A very heated and damn near physical exchange took place in that parking lot in which we said our peace and walked away. We were both upset and as much as we had grown apart, I know that neither of us wanted our relationship to end like that, but we were prepared to walk away and move on. Well, the problem was that his sister was right there with him and like any good sister, she did not care for what I had to say to her big brother.

That fight between two childhood friends spilled over to a fight between his sister and I and it wasn’t too long after that night in the parking lot that our friendship, a relationship I valued more than any other I had ever had, came to a crashing end in one night of heated exchanges that saw us say that most horrible, and hurtful things to each other. Things that I will go to my grave ashamed for saying. It was brutal. This was a girl that just a couple weeks prior kissed me on the lips and laid her head on my chest to go to sleep and it has now been more than 3 years since we last spoke.

The time after that was difficult beyond words. We never spoke to one another and the few times we were within eye shot of each other, we exchanged bitter, angry glances. After about a year or so, I found out that she had gotten back together with one of her old boyfriends. A dirt bag that I knew and tried to keep her away from. My worst fears were realized when I found out that she had become pregnant with his child. She was devastated and if the pregnancy wasn’t bad enough, the [censored] left and refused to have anything to do with her or the baby. I felt so bad for her and wanted so bad to be there for her, but the anger and bitterness inside of me that had been building for over a year prevented me from even writing here a damn e-mail.

I’ve had 3 years to look back on everything and I’m a basket case full of conflicting emotions. Part of me misses her so bad that every thought of being away from her torments my heart, but part of me is so hurt and angered by her and her actions. It is a battle just to type this. I know that I still love her so much, but that love is buried under layer after layer of hate, regret and bitterness. I don’t know how to deal with this. I’ve never experienced anything like this and I’m dying inside. I’ve always been a loving, caring person but I have allowed this hate towards her to build in me and I hate myself for that.

Anyway, the above rambling has led me to the present time. She managed to track me down over the computer and she made first contact several days ago. I will not lie, I wept like a baby just reading the computer screen. For whatever the reason, I responded and we have since exchanged simple pleasantries and tried to update each other on our lives. A relationship that once featured us holding each other while divulging our deepest secrets has become a series of e-mails chronicling where we work and how we spend our weekends. As pathetic as that is, I found those e-mails authored by her fingers to be of great comfort. It’s brought back some pain, but it’s also bringing something positive.

My problem is that she wants to be friends again and I don’t know what to do. We both have a lot of resentment built up and I know that at any moment that could explode and we would be back on the front lines lobbing grenades at one another. I want her back in my life so bad, but there is a little man inside of me telling me to stay away. To forget it and move on because you can’t be hurt again if you don’t put yourself in harms way. Sound logic, but crappy at the same time. I don’t know what to do. I’m not the smartest man and I’m not the most experienced and I’m in a place that I could have never imagined. I’m crying out into the soulless void of cyberspace begging for help. Just a little direction or word of wisdom.

I must really apologize for the length of this nonsensical gibberish. This is therapy for me and I apologize to any innocent bystanders who were sucked into my black hole of pathetic ineptitude. Forgive me for the wasting of your time, but please understand that my confusion has overwhelmed me and I’m wandering through the forest looking for any sign pointing me the way out. If anybody has any clue as to what I have said and/or can in any way relate, please help me. I can’t risk growing close to her again only to be torn apart again, but I don’t know if I can live without her either. I’m a wreck.

[wide-e-wide]

I am not trying to be funny here....but I thought you were gay jtk???
I'm confused:confused:

[pack0808]

I am not trying to be funny here....but I thought you were gay jtk???
I'm confused:confused:



Confused as well?

[DragonBand06]

Dude, that's poetic. My only advice would be to ask God to help you get through this... It's always worked for me in the past.
Sorry I couldn't be of more help.

[CoveMom]

Remain cyber friends, tell each other your secrets and when you do meet that someone "special" you will have someone with whom to share the joy. If she gets too close (as in wanting more than friendship) then slowly back off. Doesn't sound like a life-mate, but could be your "best friend" for now. Just remember, your "someone special" is not going to accept this easily unless your friend is only that, a friend. So be sure that is all it is, if that is the way you wish to go.

On the other hand, if you think this one might be "it," GO SLOW!!!!!! Rebuild the friendship first and see where things go from there.....

[TXFOOSBALL]

Dont waste your time with this headcase...move on to bigger and better things.

[toddg]

i had close to the same situation back in my 19-21 year age range..the girl kept reentering my life off and on, it would always happen after something bad has happened to her, or, things were just not going in the right direction...long story short...she always ended up crapping on me..i finally shut her out and eventually met the woman i really needed and loved.
my advice would be to be nice in email and avoid meetings and/or phone calls..be patient and the "right" one will find their way into your life...
let her, and her baggage go...and move forward...good things WILL happen! just not with the girl you spoke of.

[Redhoss]

***Warning: what follows is long, boring and will leave you thinking that I'm a jerk. You've been warned***

I don’t normally present to this board (or any for that matter) matters of a personal nature, but I have recently found myself confronted with circumstances that are beyond my comprehension and, I fear, beyond my ability to confront. This board represents a wide spectrum of opinions that I have grown to trust so it is my hope that maybe a little direction can be found from you anonymous, but gorgeous faces.

A little background info… I had been best friends with a guy my age since I was in elementary school. We went to church together, hung out together… all that crap. He had a sister a couple of years younger than us. Since I spent as much time around them and their family as I did my own, she became an extended member of my family and I always treated her as such. Anyway, as the years grew, we grew and so did our relationship. She went from being my best friend’s sister to a very special part of my life. A few years ago, a multitude of events intensified our relationship. Keep in mind that at this point the relationship was completely platonic. There was a great deal of love, but it was that non-sexual male-female love that has hopefully been experienced by others so I don’t sound like a complete idiot. That being said, I felt our relationship was starting to shift to more of a non-platonic, intimate relationship. For the better part of a year, she fell asleep every night in my arms and I closed my eyes to thank God for putting her in my life.

Now, keep in mind that at this point we are still seeing other people. I was still battle scared from a horrendous breakup that was all my fault so I was beating the hell out of myself. Perhaps it is then that I started to see my friend in a different light, but that is beside the point. We discussed our relationships with each other, bounced ideas off of each other and the sort. It was seriously a Joey/Dawson type Dawson’s Creek relationship (I really do like that show BTW). She had gone through some tough spells of her own and I could see that she was being drawn to the wrong kind of man. The kind of shady guys that care about one thing, get it and leave. I know so many of these guys that I can smell their imitation Polo Sport a mile away. I tried my best to warn her and help her out. I didn't pretend to suggest that I was the answer to her problems, but I tried to be a facilitator for that answer. For what ever the physiological reason, I think her past which included sexual abuse (not from a family member) and her recent string of bad relationships, started drawing her to these bad types.

The side story to this is that her brother, who had been my friend since little league, and I were growing apart as friends. Frankly, we couldn’t stand each other any more and we both knew it. We threw around the word “friend” as carelessly as one throws out a bag of trash and our friendship meant about that much to us. Our friendship ended very abruptly in the parking lot of Shotwell Stadium as we were watching an Abilene High soccer game. It had been brought to my attention that in a state of inebriation, he had done some inappropriate things and I took it upon myself to confront him. A very heated and damn near physical exchange took place in that parking lot in which we said our peace and walked away. We were both upset and as much as we had grown apart, I know that neither of us wanted our relationship to end like that, but we were prepared to walk away and move on. Well, the problem was that his sister was right there with him and like any good sister, she did not care for what I had to say to her big brother.

That fight between two childhood friends spilled over to a fight between his sister and I and it wasn’t too long after that night in the parking lot that our friendship, a relationship I valued more than any other I had ever had, came to a crashing end in one night of heated exchanges that saw us say that most horrible, and hurtful things to each other. Things that I will go to my grave ashamed for saying. It was brutal. This was a girl that just a couple weeks prior kissed me on the lips and laid her head on my chest to go to sleep and it has now been more than 3 years since we last spoke.

The time after that was difficult beyond words. We never spoke to one another and the few times we were within eye shot of each other, we exchanged bitter, angry glances. After about a year or so, I found out that she had gotten back together with one of her old boyfriends. A dirt bag that I knew and tried to keep her away from. My worst fears were realized when I found out that she had become pregnant with his child. She was devastated and if the pregnancy wasn’t bad enough, the [censored] left and refused to have anything to do with her or the baby. I felt so bad for her and wanted so bad to be there for her, but the anger and bitterness inside of me that had been building for over a year prevented me from even writing here a damn e-mail.

I’ve had 3 years to look back on everything and I’m a basket case full of conflicting emotions. Part of me misses her so bad that every thought of being away from her torments my heart, but part of me is so hurt and angered by her and her actions. It is a battle just to type this. I know that I still love her so much, but that love is buried under layer after layer of hate, regret and bitterness. I don’t know how to deal with this. I’ve never experienced anything like this and I’m dying inside. I’ve always been a loving, caring person but I have allowed this hate towards her to build in me and I hate myself for that.

Anyway, the above rambling has led me to the present time. She managed to track me down over the computer and she made first contact several days ago. I will not lie, I wept like a baby just reading the computer screen. For whatever the reason, I responded and we have since exchanged simple pleasantries and tried to update each other on our lives. A relationship that once featured us holding each other while divulging our deepest secrets has become a series of e-mails chronicling where we work and how we spend our weekends. As pathetic as that is, I found those e-mails authored by her fingers to be of great comfort. It’s brought back some pain, but it’s also bringing something positive.

My problem is that she wants to be friends again and I don’t know what to do. We both have a lot of resentment built up and I know that at any moment that could explode and we would be back on the front lines lobbing grenades at one another. I want her back in my life so bad, but there is a little man inside of me telling me to stay away. To forget it and move on because you can’t be hurt again if you don’t put yourself in harms way. Sound logic, but crappy at the same time. I don’t know what to do. I’m not the smartest man and I’m not the most experienced and I’m in a place that I could have never imagined. I’m crying out into the soulless void of cyberspace begging for help. Just a little direction or word of wisdom.

I must really apologize for the length of this nonsensical gibberish. This is therapy for me and I apologize to any innocent bystanders who were sucked into my black hole of pathetic ineptitude. Forgive me for the wasting of your time, but please understand that my confusion has overwhelmed me and I’m wandering through the forest looking for any sign pointing me the way out. If anybody has any clue as to what I have said and/or can in any way relate, please help me. I can’t risk growing close to her again only to be torn apart again, but I don’t know if I can live without her either. I’m a wreck.


jtk, earlier in life, I had a lot of the same sort of things happening to me. I finally learned what had been causing the problems and where I had messed up.
I had tried to run my life on my own, be smart, make my own decisions.
When the light came on, I realized that I didn't always make the right choices and needed help. I also realized that God had been there but I wasn't consulting Him in my decisions. He never makes a mistake and if you involve Him, He will deliver you from harmful choices and protect you. Seek Him in your life about all things. He is the answer.

[dragonsdaddy]

jtk, earlier in life, I had a lot of the same sort of things happening to me. I finally learned what had been causing the problems and where I had messed up.
I had tried to run my life on my own, be smart, make my own decisions.
When the light came on, I realized that I didn't always make the right choices and needed help. I also realized that God had been there but I wasn't consulting Him in my decisions. He never makes a mistake and if you involve Him, He will deliver you from harmful choices and protect you. Seek Him in your life about all things. He is the answer.
there is no better advice.

[HUM398]

***Warning: what follows is long, boring and will leave you thinking that I'm a jerk. You've been warned***

I don’t normally present to this board (or any for that matter) matters of a personal nature, but I have recently found myself confronted with circumstances that are beyond my comprehension and, I fear, beyond my ability to confront. This board represents a wide spectrum of opinions that I have grown to trust so it is my hope that maybe a little direction can be found from you anonymous, but gorgeous faces.

A little background info… I had been best friends with a guy my age since I was in elementary school. We went to church together, hung out together… all that crap. He had a sister a couple of years younger than us. Since I spent as much time around them and their family as I did my own, she became an extended member of my family and I always treated her as such. Anyway, as the years grew, we grew and so did our relationship. She went from being my best friend’s sister to a very special part of my life. A few years ago, a multitude of events intensified our relationship. Keep in mind that at this point the relationship was completely platonic. There was a great deal of love, but it was that non-sexual male-female love that has hopefully been experienced by others so I don’t sound like a complete idiot. That being said, I felt our relationship was starting to shift to more of a non-platonic, intimate relationship. For the better part of a year, she fell asleep every night in my arms and I closed my eyes to thank God for putting her in my life.

Now, keep in mind that at this point we are still seeing other people. I was still battle scared from a horrendous breakup that was all my fault so I was beating the hell out of myself. Perhaps it is then that I started to see my friend in a different light, but that is beside the point. We discussed our relationships with each other, bounced ideas off of each other and the sort. It was seriously a Joey/Dawson type Dawson’s Creek relationship (I really do like that show BTW). She had gone through some tough spells of her own and I could see that she was being drawn to the wrong kind of man. The kind of shady guys that care about one thing, get it and leave. I know so many of these guys that I can smell their imitation Polo Sport a mile away. I tried my best to warn her and help her out. I didn't pretend to suggest that I was the answer to her problems, but I tried to be a facilitator for that answer. For what ever the physiological reason, I think her past which included sexual abuse (not from a family member) and her recent string of bad relationships, started drawing her to these bad types.

The side story to this is that her brother, who had been my friend since little league, and I were growing apart as friends. Frankly, we couldn’t stand each other any more and we both knew it. We threw around the word “friend” as carelessly as one throws out a bag of trash and our friendship meant about that much to us. Our friendship ended very abruptly in the parking lot of Shotwell Stadium as we were watching an Abilene High soccer game. It had been brought to my attention that in a state of inebriation, he had done some inappropriate things and I took it upon myself to confront him. A very heated and damn near physical exchange took place in that parking lot in which we said our peace and walked away. We were both upset and as much as we had grown apart, I know that neither of us wanted our relationship to end like that, but we were prepared to walk away and move on. Well, the problem was that his sister was right there with him and like any good sister, she did not care for what I had to say to her big brother.

That fight between two childhood friends spilled over to a fight between his sister and I and it wasn’t too long after that night in the parking lot that our friendship, a relationship I valued more than any other I had ever had, came to a crashing end in one night of heated exchanges that saw us say that most horrible, and hurtful things to each other. Things that I will go to my grave ashamed for saying. It was brutal. This was a girl that just a couple weeks prior kissed me on the lips and laid her head on my chest to go to sleep and it has now been more than 3 years since we last spoke.

The time after that was difficult beyond words. We never spoke to one another and the few times we were within eye shot of each other, we exchanged bitter, angry glances. After about a year or so, I found out that she had gotten back together with one of her old boyfriends. A dirt bag that I knew and tried to keep her away from. My worst fears were realized when I found out that she had become pregnant with his child. She was devastated and if the pregnancy wasn’t bad enough, the [censored] left and refused to have anything to do with her or the baby. I felt so bad for her and wanted so bad to be there for her, but the anger and bitterness inside of me that had been building for over a year prevented me from even writing here a damn e-mail.

I’ve had 3 years to look back on everything and I’m a basket case full of conflicting emotions. Part of me misses her so bad that every thought of being away from her torments my heart, but part of me is so hurt and angered by her and her actions. It is a battle just to type this. I know that I still love her so much, but that love is buried under layer after layer of hate, regret and bitterness. I don’t know how to deal with this. I’ve never experienced anything like this and I’m dying inside. I’ve always been a loving, caring person but I have allowed this hate towards her to build in me and I hate myself for that.

Anyway, the above rambling has led me to the present time. She managed to track me down over the computer and she made first contact several days ago. I will not lie, I wept like a baby just reading the computer screen. For whatever the reason, I responded and we have since exchanged simple pleasantries and tried to update each other on our lives. A relationship that once featured us holding each other while divulging our deepest secrets has become a series of e-mails chronicling where we work and how we spend our weekends. As pathetic as that is, I found those e-mails authored by her fingers to be of great comfort. It’s brought back some pain, but it’s also bringing something positive.

My problem is that she wants to be friends again and I don’t know what to do. We both have a lot of resentment built up and I know that at any moment that could explode and we would be back on the front lines lobbing grenades at one another. I want her back in my life so bad, but there is a little man inside of me telling me to stay away. To forget it and move on because you can’t be hurt again if you don’t put yourself in harms way. Sound logic, but crappy at the same time. I don’t know what to do. I’m not the smartest man and I’m not the most experienced and I’m in a place that I could have never imagined. I’m crying out into the soulless void of cyberspace begging for help. Just a little direction or word of wisdom.

I must really apologize for the length of this nonsensical gibberish. This is therapy for me and I apologize to any innocent bystanders who were sucked into my black hole of pathetic ineptitude. Forgive me for the wasting of your time, but please understand that my confusion has overwhelmed me and I’m wandering through the forest looking for any sign pointing me the way out. If anybody has any clue as to what I have said and/or can in any way relate, please help me. I can’t risk growing close to her again only to be torn apart again, but I don’t know if I can live without her either. I’m a wreck.

I'm not usually the type to give out an opinion in such matters as these, not that i am not familiar with the situation but that it doesn't seem as if it is my place.

I'm going to try to keep this short as possible, and stick to some understandable advice, instead mushy gibberish...

My bit of advice would be, Put your guard down . Some of the sweetest things in life are Friendships, intimate or platonic. Yes while the possible outcome of you getting closer to her again could very well lead to that void and empty feeling again...Its worth it. I don't know how close exactly you were to the young lady, but i know that you loved her...and from the way the story reads you still do. Its ok to be upset, but dont punish yourself or her for things that can't be changed. Anger is the great divider between people if you approach it the wrong way...But it also could be a tool...a part of life. Its ok to anger, but its not ok to let it build up... It will leave you cold and bitter for as long as your live...as your probably already know. My Advice is to Just let those fist down dude...and let friendship thrive. like the corny phrase goes "it is better to have loved, then to never have loved at all".. Their is truth and validity to the statement... Would you rather avoid the POSSIBLE heart break, or kill your self for years to come on what could of been?????

Pray about it...It works.

[jtk1519]

I am not trying to be funny here....but I thought you were gay jtk???
I'm confused:confused:

Well, you quit calling. I have to move on with my life, man.

[jtk1519]

BTW, this forum should just close from 1am to 6am. No good posts happen at 4:24 in the morning.

[SeguinMatadors]

I'm not usually the type to give out an opinion in such matters as these, not that i am not familiar with the situation but that it doesn't seem as if it is my place.

I'm going to try to keep this short as possible, and stick to some understandable advice, instead mushy gibberish...

My bit of advice would be, Put your guard down . Some of the sweetest things in life are Friendships, intimate or platonic. Yes while the possible outcome of you getting closer to her again could very well lead to that void and empty feeling again...Its worth it. I don't know how close exactly you were to the young lady, but i know that you loved her...and from the way the story reads you still do. Its ok to be upset, but dont punish yourself or her for things that can't be changed. Anger is the great divider between people if you approach it the wrong way...But it also could be a tool...a part of life. Its ok to anger, but its not ok to let it build up... It will leave you cold and bitter for as long as your live...as your probably already know. My Advice is to Just let those fist down dude...and let friendship thrive. like the corny phrase goes "it is better to have loved, then to never have loved at all".. Their is truth and validity to the statement... Would you rather avoid the POSSIBLE heart break, or kill your self for years to come on what could of been?????

Pray about it...It works.

The voice of reason. I am 100% with you on everything you said.

[wide-e-wide]

Well, you quit calling. I have to move on with my life, man.

So says the guy with the "I love Wide" avatar. haha


Seriously dude...you have us all confused. You came out a couple of months ago...now your asking questions about a girl. Enquiring minds want to know jtk.

[RedRage00]

So says the guy with the "I love Wide" avatar. haha


Seriously dude...you have us all confused. You came out a couple of months ago...now your asking questions about a girl. Enquiring minds want to know jtk.

I know lol

[jtk1519]

So says the guy with the "I love Wide" avatar. haha


Seriously dude...you have us all confused. You came out a couple of months ago...now your asking questions about a girl. Enquiring minds want to know jtk.

For $5.95 a minute, I will divulge all the juicy details.

[wide-e-wide]

For $5.95 a minute, I will divulge all the juicy details.

http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y294/bogthekid/pukey.gif

We don't wanna know that bad.

[RedRage00]

http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y294/bogthekid/pukey.gif

We don't wanna know that bad.

LMFAO!

[RedRage00]

Spill dude...I aint got all day to help you out lol

[jtk1519]

I'm not usually the type to give out an opinion in such matters as these, not that i am not familiar with the situation but that it doesn't seem as if it is my place.

I'm going to try to keep this short as possible, and stick to some understandable advice, instead mushy gibberish...

My bit of advice would be, Put your guard down . Some of the sweetest things in life are Friendships, intimate or platonic. Yes while the possible outcome of you getting closer to her again could very well lead to that void and empty feeling again...Its worth it. I don't know how close exactly you were to the young lady, but i know that you loved her...and from the way the story reads you still do. Its ok to be upset, but dont punish yourself or her for things that can't be changed. Anger is the great divider between people if you approach it the wrong way...But it also could be a tool...a part of life. Its ok to anger, but its not ok to let it build up... It will leave you cold and bitter for as long as your live...as your probably already know. My Advice is to Just let those fist down dude...and let friendship thrive. like the corny phrase goes "it is better to have loved, then to never have loved at all".. Their is truth and validity to the statement... Would you rather avoid the POSSIBLE heart break, or kill your self for years to come on what could of been?????

Pray about it...It works.

Wise words and I appreciate them all.

The frustrating part is that I had resigned myself to the fact that we would never see or talk to one another again. I had managed to push her to the back of my subconscious where she was but a fading whisper in the cavity of my head. I was content with that. That was as much closer as I expected. Now, everything has been turned upside down again and I'm back at square one. It feels like we had our fight last week and all the emotions that I have spent 3 years running from are surrounding me and beating the hell out of me.

I know that there is a spiritual component to this story that I did not mention initially and I cannot discuss now because it is a source of more confusion. I miss the good old days. I miss the simplicity of passing notes in class, a quick peck on the cheek and Friday nights at the skating rink. I may not know much, but I know adulthood sucks.

[jtk1519]

Spill dude...I aint got all day to help you out lol

Cash, check or credit?

[jtk1519]

Alright, alright. I'm not gay, but I did like Dawson's hair in season 1.

I will tell you a funny story related to the girl I have been talking about. For the sake of the story and anybody dumb enough to still be reading, I will just call her Mary.

So, this was the Summer after I graduated high school if I remember right. I have a bit of a flare for the dramatic and a strange desire to push the boundaries of good taste. There were a lot of outside forces (her mother and grandmother) trying to push Mary and I together. We weren't ready for that so everyday we had to fend of Cupid's evil minions. I got a little fed up so one night while we were sitting around their house, I decided to come out of the closet. I laid it on think. I was emotional and convincing as hell. I wasn't an award winning high school thespian because of my good looks. Anyway, after I finish my "coming out", I look up and the women, including Mary are in tears and the men are all piled in the corner furthest away from me. Deep inside, I'm laughing my [censored] off. I was going to tell Mary later that night of my master plan to fend off her overzealous family, but in my over-dramatic fashion, I decided it would be more fun to keep her in the dark and see how long I could keep this up. It became a twisted game for me.

I spent six months pretending to be gay. At first, her grandmother and mother were not convinced. How could they be? I was supposed to marry their little angle, right? Hard to do that when you're going Brokeback Mountain on the boy down the street. But I was not deterred and I laid it on thicker and thicker and went to great lengths to prove my homosexuality. The final straw came during a camping trip.

I had accompanied her family up to Possum Kingdom for a week of fishing, camping and healing the homosexual. We were sitting around a campfire that night when the subject of my sexual orientation came up. Her grandmother and mother still refused to believe, but Mary was on the verge of falling for my clever fabrication. So, she decided to test me. With her mother, father, brother, grandfather and grandmother sitting right there, Mary walks over, sits on my lap facing me and lays the biggest kiss on me I have every experienced. I'm talking a 90 second job that had her tongue so far down my throat she could have dug out what I ate the night before. After she pulls her tongue out of my intestine, she looks and me with the most seductive eyes and says, "Well?" With Vince Youngesque calmness I slowly reach into my mouth, pull out the Juicy Fruit she had left behind from her cavity search, placed it back in her mouth and without missing a beat said, "Tom Brady has a nice ***".

I could tell by the look on her face that she now believed I was gay. After a good 5 minutes of solid silence, her grandmother, God bless her, leaned over to me and said, "Well, we love you anyway". I could carry the charade on no further and owned up to me deception the following afternoon. We laughed about it all for weeks following and the best part was that Mary's family was no longer so pushy. Of course, my performance was so good that I have had a gay stigma placed on me ever since, but I mind it not. If admiring Tom Brady's backside makes me gay, then I don't want to be straight. ;)

[DragonBand06]

Alright, alright. I'm not gay, but I did like Dawson's hair in season 1.

I will tell you a funny story related to the girl I have been talking about. For the sake of the story and anybody dumb enough to still be reading, I will just call her Mary.

So, this was the Summer after I graduated high school if I remember right. I have a bit of a flare for the dramatic and a strange desire to push the boundaries of good taste. There were a lot of outside forces (her mother and grandmother) trying to push Mary and I together. We weren't ready for that so everyday we had to fend of Cupid's evil minions. I got a little fed up so one night while we were sitting around their house, I decided to come out of the closet. I laid it on think. I was emotional and convincing as hell. I wasn't an award winning high school thespian because of my good looks. Anyway, after I finish my "coming out", I look up and the women, including Mary are in tears and the men are all piled in the corner furthest away from me. Deep inside, I'm laughing my [censored] off. I was going to tell Mary later that night of my master plan to fend off her overzealous family, but in my over-dramatic fashion, I decided it would be more fun to keep her in the dark and see how long I could keep this up. It became a twisted game for me.

I spent six months pretending to be gay. At first, her grandmother and mother were not convinced. How could they be? I was supposed to marry their little angle, right? Hard to do that when you're going Brokeback Mountain on the boy down the street. But I was not deterred and I laid it on thicker and thicker and went to great lengths to prove my homosexuality. The final straw came during a camping trip.

I had accompanied her family up to Possum Kingdom for a week of fishing, camping and healing the homosexual. We were sitting around a campfire that night when the subject of my sexual orientation came up. Her grandmother and mother still refused to believe, but Mary was on the verge of falling for my clever fabrication. So, she decided to test me. With her mother, father, brother, grandfather and grandmother sitting right there, Mary walks over, sits on my lap facing me and lays the biggest kiss on me I have every experienced. I'm talking a 90 second job that had her tongue so far down my throat she could have dug out what I ate the night before. After she pulls her tongue out of my intestine, she looks and me with the most seductive eyes and says, "Well?" With Vince Youngesque calmness I slowly reach into my mouth, pull out the Juicy Fruit she had left behind from her cavity search, placed it back in her mouth and without missing a beat said, "Tom Brady has a nice ***".

I could tell by the look on her face that she now believed I was gay. After a good 5 minutes of solid silence, her grandmother, God bless her, leaned over to me and said, "Well, we love you anyway". I could carry the charade on no further and owned up to me deception the following afternoon. We laughed about it all for weeks following and the best part was that Mary's family was no longer so pushy. Of course, my performance was so good that I have had a gay stigma placed on me ever since, but I mind it not. If admiring Tom Brady's backside makes me gay, then I don't want to be straight. ;)
ROFLMAO!
That's awesome dude...
Encore! :D

[wide-e-wide]

If I ever pretend to be gay there had better be at least two commas involved.

[HUM398]

Wise words and I appreciate them all.

The frustrating part is that I had resigned myself to the fact that we would never see or talk to one another again. I had managed to push her to the back of my subconscious where she was but a fading whisper in the cavity of my head. I was content with that. That was as much closer as I expected. Now, everything has been turned upside down again and I'm back at square one. It feels like we had our fight last week and all the emotions that I have spent 3 years running from are surrounding me and beating the hell out of me.

I know that there is a spiritual component to this story that I did not mention initially and I cannot discuss now because it is a source of more confusion. I miss the good old days. I miss the simplicity of passing notes in class, a quick peck on the cheek and Friday nights at the skating rink. I may not know much, but I know adulthood sucks.

That is very true, things were simpler when we were children and teenagers. Things were easier to say, and the small things made us happy.. i remember the little gifts from the love of my life (i met her in 9th grade).. I got all giddy over a piece of notebook paper with her delightful handwriting covering the page....the cheesy gifts...Its really mind boggling how happy the seemly insignificant to others can make individuals get that special gleam in our eye.

i Hope and pray God can gives you a clear mind, gives you some order in your thoughts...

[jtk1519]

If I ever pretend to be gay there had better be at least two commas involved.

Why would you need to pretend. :eek: :D

[gtowndrumma]

i am going through a situation exactly like this except that i really dont think we will ever talk again and it really is my fault..... i say that id rather be heartbroken then wonder for the rest of my life what could have happened...... just my 2 cents

[lonny23]

***Warning: what follows is long, boring and will leave you thinking that I'm a jerk. You've been warned***

I don’t normally present to this board (or any for that matter) matters of a personal nature, but I have recently found myself confronted with circumstances that are beyond my comprehension and, I fear, beyond my ability to confront. This board represents a wide spectrum of opinions that I have grown to trust so it is my hope that maybe a little direction can be found from you anonymous, but gorgeous faces.

A little background info… I had been best friends with a guy my age since I was in elementary school. We went to church together, hung out together… all that crap. He had a sister a couple of years younger than us. Since I spent as much time around them and their family as I did my own, she became an extended member of my family and I always treated her as such. Anyway, as the years grew, we grew and so did our relationship. She went from being my best friend’s sister to a very special part of my life. A few years ago, a multitude of events intensified our relationship. Keep in mind that at this point the relationship was completely platonic. There was a great deal of love, but it was that non-sexual male-female love that has hopefully been experienced by others so I don’t sound like a complete idiot. That being said, I felt our relationship was starting to shift to more of a non-platonic, intimate relationship. For the better part of a year, she fell asleep every night in my arms and I closed my eyes to thank God for putting her in my life.

Now, keep in mind that at this point we are still seeing other people. I was still battle scared from a horrendous breakup that was all my fault so I was beating the hell out of myself. Perhaps it is then that I started to see my friend in a different light, but that is beside the point. We discussed our relationships with each other, bounced ideas off of each other and the sort. It was seriously a Joey/Dawson type Dawson’s Creek relationship (I really do like that show BTW). She had gone through some tough spells of her own and I could see that she was being drawn to the wrong kind of man. The kind of shady guys that care about one thing, get it and leave. I know so many of these guys that I can smell their imitation Polo Sport a mile away. I tried my best to warn her and help her out. I didn't pretend to suggest that I was the answer to her problems, but I tried to be a facilitator for that answer. For what ever the physiological reason, I think her past which included sexual abuse (not from a family member) and her recent string of bad relationships, started drawing her to these bad types.

The side story to this is that her brother, who had been my friend since little league, and I were growing apart as friends. Frankly, we couldn’t stand each other any more and we both knew it. We threw around the word “friend” as carelessly as one throws out a bag of trash and our friendship meant about that much to us. Our friendship ended very abruptly in the parking lot of Shotwell Stadium as we were watching an Abilene High soccer game. It had been brought to my attention that in a state of inebriation, he had done some inappropriate things and I took it upon myself to confront him. A very heated and damn near physical exchange took place in that parking lot in which we said our peace and walked away. We were both upset and as much as we had grown apart, I know that neither of us wanted our relationship to end like that, but we were prepared to walk away and move on. Well, the problem was that his sister was right there with him and like any good sister, she did not care for what I had to say to her big brother.

That fight between two childhood friends spilled over to a fight between his sister and I and it wasn’t too long after that night in the parking lot that our friendship, a relationship I valued more than any other I had ever had, came to a crashing end in one night of heated exchanges that saw us say that most horrible, and hurtful things to each other. Things that I will go to my grave ashamed for saying. It was brutal. This was a girl that just a couple weeks prior kissed me on the lips and laid her head on my chest to go to sleep and it has now been more than 3 years since we last spoke.

The time after that was difficult beyond words. We never spoke to one another and the few times we were within eye shot of each other, we exchanged bitter, angry glances. After about a year or so, I found out that she had gotten back together with one of her old boyfriends. A dirt bag that I knew and tried to keep her away from. My worst fears were realized when I found out that she had become pregnant with his child. She was devastated and if the pregnancy wasn’t bad enough, the [censored] left and refused to have anything to do with her or the baby. I felt so bad for her and wanted so bad to be there for her, but the anger and bitterness inside of me that had been building for over a year prevented me from even writing here a damn e-mail.

I’ve had 3 years to look back on everything and I’m a basket case full of conflicting emotions. Part of me misses her so bad that every thought of being away from her torments my heart, but part of me is so hurt and angered by her and her actions. It is a battle just to type this. I know that I still love her so much, but that love is buried under layer after layer of hate, regret and bitterness. I don’t know how to deal with this. I’ve never experienced anything like this and I’m dying inside. I’ve always been a loving, caring person but I have allowed this hate towards her to build in me and I hate myself for that.

Anyway, the above rambling has led me to the present time. She managed to track me down over the computer and she made first contact several days ago. I will not lie, I wept like a baby just reading the computer screen. For whatever the reason, I responded and we have since exchanged simple pleasantries and tried to update each other on our lives. A relationship that once featured us holding each other while divulging our deepest secrets has become a series of e-mails chronicling where we work and how we spend our weekends. As pathetic as that is, I found those e-mails authored by her fingers to be of great comfort. It’s brought back some pain, but it’s also bringing something positive.

My problem is that she wants to be friends again and I don’t know what to do. We both have a lot of resentment built up and I know that at any moment that could explode and we would be back on the front lines lobbing grenades at one another. I want her back in my life so bad, but there is a little man inside of me telling me to stay away. To forget it and move on because you can’t be hurt again if you don’t put yourself in harms way. Sound logic, but crappy at the same time. I don’t know what to do. I’m not the smartest man and I’m not the most experienced and I’m in a place that I could have never imagined. I’m crying out into the soulless void of cyberspace begging for help. Just a little direction or word of wisdom.

I must really apologize for the length of this nonsensical gibberish. This is therapy for me and I apologize to any innocent bystanders who were sucked into my black hole of pathetic ineptitude. Forgive me for the wasting of your time, but please understand that my confusion has overwhelmed me and I’m wandering through the forest looking for any sign pointing me the way out. If anybody has any clue as to what I have said and/or can in any way relate, please help me. I can’t risk growing close to her again only to be torn apart again, but I don’t know if I can live without her either. I’m a wreck.jtk,

Don't ever apologize for writing stuff like this. I and others have told you before that we'll always be here for you. I care about you and your feelings.

I know you grew up in church, so I'll say this. You need to forgive yourself and her for God to forgive you. I know you want that. Since she made contact with you, it means you have another chance to make things right. You need to do that. I'm going to say it right now and you can tell me if I'm wrong later:

If you start talking to her again, you're going to be even closer now than you were before. She's at a point in her life where she needs you more than ever and you still need her. Don't pass up that opportunity.

That voice inside you talking to you to not make the jump back into your friendship is the enemy we call Satan. It's the same guy I said was talking to you a few months back. He's the guy that wants us to remember past hurts, not give people more chances, and just stay in a bitter state. Please don't do that because not only are you staying in a rut, but you're also potentially jeopardizing your health by not forgiving her.

[lonny23]

BTW, this forum should just close from 1am to 6am. No good posts happen at 4:24 in the morning.
No, you've had some good posts. There's nothing wrong with you exposing your feelings. It shows you're searching for answers. When you're searching for answers, the Holy Spirit is always there to guide you if you just ask Him.

[lonny23]

Wise words and I appreciate them all.

The frustrating part is that I had resigned myself to the fact that we would never see or talk to one another again. I had managed to push her to the back of my subconscious where she was but a fading whisper in the cavity of my head. I was content with that. That was as much closer as I expected. Now, everything has been turned upside down again and I'm back at square one. It feels like we had our fight last week and all the emotions that I have spent 3 years running from are surrounding me and beating the hell out of me.

I know that there is a spiritual component to this story that I did not mention initially and I cannot discuss now because it is a source of more confusion. I miss the good old days. I miss the simplicity of passing notes in class, a quick peck on the cheek and Friday nights at the skating rink. I may not know much, but I know adulthood sucks.jtk,

The Lord is there to comfort you. Just ask Him for His will in your life. Things go smoother when you let Him drive the train.

I'm going to tell you a story about my last 3 weeks in Mississippi. We have a Major in our group that many people don't like (I've also mentioned some of his bad behavior) and he does some selfish stuff just thinking about himself. One of the guys that works for me (I found out he's Buddhist) was griping about the Major about 5 days ago and he was really upset about this guy talking about how Christianity had made a difference in his life and how he's found himself. About 2-3 days ago I felt the urge to go talk to the Buddhist guy and tell him that the Major might be a young Christian and that he might become a better person over time, but it takes time.

Today we had a task where me and the Major had to sit in the same vehicle alone while the other guys were weapons qualifying and I wasn't looking forward to it. He started asking me some stuff about my life and instead of clamming up, I gave him the answers. We ended up having a great discussion about Christianity and we both enjoyed it. As I suspected a few days ago, the Major is just a baby Christian. The point of my story is that I had to be available to do God's will. I couldn't let the Major's actions over the last few weeks squash me doing what God wanted me to do. I had to have compassion towards the Major and not hold any bitterness or resentment towards him. It's no different than how I feel about this board. I don't like some of the things that are said about me, but I can't burn bridges and go off on people because they might need my help someday.

[Redhoss]

jtk,

The Lord is there to comfort you. Just ask Him for His will in your life. Things go smoother when you let Him drive the train.

I'm going to tell you a story about my last 3 weeks in Mississippi. We have a Major in our group that many people don't like (I've also mentioned some of his bad behavior) and he does some selfish stuff just thinking about himself. One of the guys that works for me (I found out he's Buddhist) was griping about the Major about 5 days ago and he was really upset about this guy talking about how Christianity had made a difference in his life and how he's found himself. About 2-3 days ago I felt the urge to go talk to the Buddhist guy and tell him that the Major might be a young Christian and that he might become a better person over time, but it takes time.

Today we had a task where me and the Major had to sit in the same vehicle alone while the other guys were weapons qualifying and I wasn't looking forward to it. He started asking me some stuff about my life and instead of clamming up, I gave him the answers. We ended up having a great discussion about Christianity and we both enjoyed it. As I suspected a few days ago, the Major is just a baby Christian. The point of my story is that I had to be available to do God's will. I couldn't let the Major's actions over the last few weeks squash me doing what God wanted me to do. I had to have compassion towards the Major and not hold any bitterness or resentment towards him. It's no different than how I feel about this board. I don't like some of the things that are said about me, but I can't burn bridges and go off on people because they might need my help someday.

Right on Lonny, we have an enemy, satan. The light came on and I realized who had been fooling me. He's always causing us problems.

[lonny23]

Right on Lonny, we have an enemy, satan. The light came on and I realized who had been fooling me. He's always causing us problems.
Yeah, we talked about Satan today and I told the Major about how Satan likes to steal, kill, and destroy. The Major told me about how he's found a great Christian woman and I told him that Satan will do his best to break up their harmony because the last thing he wants to see is Christian families who raise kids to also have Christian families (I didn't say it, but basically he wants to destroy the recruiters in the war against him).

[pack0808]

Alright, alright. I'm not gay, but I did like Dawson's hair in season 1.

I will tell you a funny story related to the girl I have been talking about. For the sake of the story and anybody dumb enough to still be reading, I will just call her Mary.

So, this was the Summer after I graduated high school if I remember right. I have a bit of a flare for the dramatic and a strange desire to push the boundaries of good taste. There were a lot of outside forces (her mother and grandmother) trying to push Mary and I together. We weren't ready for that so everyday we had to fend of Cupid's evil minions. I got a little fed up so one night while we were sitting around their house, I decided to come out of the closet. I laid it on think. I was emotional and convincing as hell. I wasn't an award winning high school thespian because of my good looks. Anyway, after I finish my "coming out", I look up and the women, including Mary are in tears and the men are all piled in the corner furthest away from me. Deep inside, I'm laughing my [censored] off. I was going to tell Mary later that night of my master plan to fend off her overzealous family, but in my over-dramatic fashion, I decided it would be more fun to keep her in the dark and see how long I could keep this up. It became a twisted game for me.

I spent six months pretending to be gay. At first, her grandmother and mother were not convinced. How could they be? I was supposed to marry their little angle, right? Hard to do that when you're going Brokeback Mountain on the boy down the street. But I was not deterred and I laid it on thicker and thicker and went to great lengths to prove my homosexuality. The final straw came during a camping trip.

I had accompanied her family up to Possum Kingdom for a week of fishing, camping and healing the homosexual. We were sitting around a campfire that night when the subject of my sexual orientation came up. Her grandmother and mother still refused to believe, but Mary was on the verge of falling for my clever fabrication. So, she decided to test me. With her mother, father, brother, grandfather and grandmother sitting right there, Mary walks over, sits on my lap facing me and lays the biggest kiss on me I have every experienced. I'm talking a 90 second job that had her tongue so far down my throat she could have dug out what I ate the night before. After she pulls her tongue out of my intestine, she looks and me with the most seductive eyes and says, "Well?" With Vince Youngesque calmness I slowly reach into my mouth, pull out the Juicy Fruit she had left behind from her cavity search, placed it back in her mouth and without missing a beat said, "Tom Brady has a nice ***".

I could tell by the look on her face that she now believed I was gay. After a good 5 minutes of solid silence, her grandmother, God bless her, leaned over to me and said, "Well, we love you anyway". I could carry the charade on no further and owned up to me deception the following afternoon. We laughed about it all for weeks following and the best part was that Mary's family was no longer so pushy. Of course, my performance was so good that I have had a gay stigma placed on me ever since, but I mind it not. If admiring Tom Brady's backside makes me gay, then I don't want to be straight. ;)


So when you came out a few months ago it was just a joke? Why would anybody do that? I do not care if you are gay man I am just confused?

[wide-e-wide]

I think it's time to change the avatar to "I love Pack08"...he's obviously concerned about you jtk.

[pack0808]

I think it's time to change the avatar to "I love Pack08"...he's obviously concerned about you jtk.



haha that is just wrong dude.

[jtk1519]

So when you came out a few months ago it was just a joke? Why would anybody do that? I do not care if you are gay man I am just confused?

I never came out because there is nothing to come out of. I don't have the problems with homosexuality that a lot of people do and as such I don't mind talking about it or having some fun with it in a self-deprecating manner. It's not that big of a deal to me and I don't treat it as such. Some people are offended by that. I am not.

For the record, I am not gay and never have been, but I have assumed the persona of a homosexual as detailed in my post towards the top of this page. I'm not trying to be offensive, but rather mock myself because I will be the first to say that I have some tendencies and some tastes that our culture tends to associate with homosexuality.

[CoveMom]

I never came out because there is nothing to come out of. I don't have the problems with homosexuality that a lot of people do and as such I don't mind talking about it or having some fun with it in a self-deprecating manner. It's not that big of a deal to me and I don't treat it as such. Some people are offended by that. I am not.

For the record, I am not gay and never have been, but I have assumed the persona of a homosexual as detailed in my post towards the top of this page. I'm not trying to be offensive, but rather mock myself because I will be the first to say that I have some tendencies and some tastes that our culture tends to associate with homosexuality.

So...if I am redecorating the family room, you are my go to guy? :D ;)

[jtk1519]

So...if I am redecorating the family room, you are my go to guy? :D ;)

Yes. :o

[wide-e-wide]

I never came out because there is nothing to come out of.


Dude you said in a post "as this board's resident homosexual"....I'd say that's coming out. I don't think we care either way...I know I don't...I was just confused is all.

[jtk1519]

Dude you said in a post "as this board's resident homosexual"....I'd say that's coming out. I don't think we care either way...I know I don't...I was just confused is all.

I also said in another thread that I would bang SeguinMatadors. Mr. Wide, you of all people should know that I am capable of just one or two serious posts a day.

[wide-e-wide]

I also said in another thread that I would bang SeguinMatadors. Mr. Wide, you of all people should know that I am capable of just one or two serious posts a day.

I know...I know...
I'm just saying...you made that statement and never retracted it. You just left us hanging. Boy you should have seen the PM's flying around that day...haha
Nothing bad...just a lot of "did he just post what I think he posted??"

No big bro...I had my doubts about your homosexuality all along:eek:

[jtk1519]

I know...I know...
I'm just saying...you made that statement and never retracted it. You just left us hanging. Boy you should have seen the PM's flying around that day...haha
Nothing bad...just a lot of "did he just post what I think he posted??"

No big bro...I had my doubts about your homosexuality all along:eek:

Seriously? Ha! :D

Sorry folks. Didn't mean to startle anyone.

[wide-e-wide]

Seriously? Ha! :D

Sorry folks. Didn't mean to startle anyone.

Oh yeah...
Be sure and send a very suggestive PM to dada...I don't think he has recovered yet...hahahahaha

[GoOwls]

jtk, the previous posts about seeking the guidance of God are right on. In him you cannot fail. I do feel led to give you my "testimony" as your situation sounds similar to mine with out all the fighting and brother involvement and all.

I was working at a place with a wife and, at that time, 2 kids. There was a nice girl who worked there that I respected and enjoyed talking to a whole bunch. During the almost 5 years I worked with her, it was a totally platonic relationship, we were just kind of best friends, at least as much as you can be with her husband working there also and he always thought we had something going on, but we didn't.

Anyway, he was a jerk and was always cheating on her. Everybody knew it. But she just kept on plugging along like a trooper, raising her kids and taking the high road. I really respected her and always wished my wife, who was an "itch with a B", had some of her traits as a woman, wife, mother, and female in general.

Well, the opportunity to take the job at the Post Office came along, and it would seem a no-brianer to take the job, but I was having mixed emotions about leaving there. I was going to miss her friendship and I knew if I went to the post office, I would never see her again. Well, I did the right thing for my family and took the PO job. We barely said goodbye to each other because it hurt too much. I could tell she was mad that last day, so I didn't even say goodbye, I could tell we were both not right that day, so I just walked away.

What I didn't realize at the time was that we were in love, but our sense of duty and what was morally correct kept us from doing things we should not do.

Time passes, I get divorced and am left to raise my 3 kids alone. I raise them for 6 years by myself. I think about her often, but I know the kind of woman she was and I just knew she wouldn't leave him, no matter how bad he was, so I just kept her out of my mind and tried to forget that I knew where she lived and could be there in 10 minutes.

I had a serious girlfriend during some of that time and she broke up, deciding that she didn't want to play mommy after all, so while talking to a friend on my route, I told him I was just going to raise my kids and forget about women until they got out of school, except for one girl, if she ever became available, I would think about persuing her, but no one else. I didn't know any other women who deserved my time.

I hadn't seen or heard from her in over 10 years.

A mere 3 days later, another guy on my route who worked with her at that company and me also when I was there, told me that she was divorced, that she got out because her husband had become so bad, and drank all the time, and had become physical and threatened her. I asked him if it was final and he said yes. I told him to give her my number and if she wanted to call me, OK. He stopped me a few days later and handed me her number and said that she said I could call her, that she didn't call guys.

Well, I called her that evening and we talked from 7 PM till after 4 AM. We talked for about 3-4 hours the next 3 nights. We set up a date to meet at the boat docks I fished at one night. We sat there and talked for about 6 hours that night just rehashing the old stuff and catching up on the new stuff.

The rest is history, we got serious within a week of that point and have been inseperable for the last 13 years since then. We are STILL best friends and we don't do very much without each other.

All I can say is that when I read your note, I felt the same emotions that I felt about her. I think you love her, and I think she probably thinks the same about you. It's why you gravitated back to each other. It's why she's your greatest regret, just like my girl was with me. Come to find out, she felt the same way about me back in the day and the day I quit that place was the worst day in her life at that point, just like for me.

I'm not saying she's the one, but you'll always regret it if you don't find the guts to find out. You don't find the right girl if you don't take a few chances.

Procede with caution, but certainly procede, or you will hate yourself for not finding out. You will be an old man someday always wondering.........

That's where I would be now if I didn't take a chance at happiness.

[AE 8008]

Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life
ask him to show you the way, he will give you the truth, and you will live a happy life
never underestimate the power of prayer

[jtk1519]

Thanks for all the advice folks. It has not fallen on deaf ears or... or blind eyes as the case may be.

She has contacted me and wants my phone numbers so that we might talk. That's a step I am not ready for, but I have yet to respond one way or the other. I feel so juvenile. I will probably throw caution to the wind and just go for it, but that lack of control scares me more than anything.

[Bobcat81]

Thanks for all the advice folks. It has not fallen on deaf ears or... or blind eyes as the case may be.

She has contacted me and wants my phone numbers so that we might talk. That's a step I am not ready for, but I have yet to respond one way or the other. I feel so juvenile. I will probably throw caution to the wind and just go for it, but that lack of control scares me more than anything.

I'd give the girl a chance. Better to know then to kick yourself in the rear for never allowing yourself to know for sure.

Go meet-er somewhere..talk about it.

Hell,..I'd bring her a case of "juicy fruit" if i were you :D

[TXFOOSBALL]

Thanks for all the advice folks. It has not fallen on deaf ears or... or blind eyes as the case may be.

She has contacted me and wants my phone numbers so that we might talk. That's a step I am not ready for, but I have yet to respond one way or the other. I feel so juvenile. I will probably throw caution to the wind and just go for it, but that lack of control scares me more than anything.

NO, that girls got ton of baggage. Dont try and save her! Youre trying to be captain saveaho....it does not work trust me. "You cant turn a ho into a housewife."

[HUM398]

NO, that girls got ton of baggage. Dont try and save her! Youre trying to be captain saveaho....it does not work trust me. "You cant turn a ho into a housewife."

Obviously you are ignorant in these matters. You dont know what the situation is, and you are calling her a "Ho". You act as if you know her, please do us all a favor and keep your opinion to your self....i don't think that was called for.

[Redhoss]

Thanks for all the advice folks. It has not fallen on deaf ears or... or blind eyes as the case may be.

She has contacted me and wants my phone numbers so that we might talk. That's a step I am not ready for, but I have yet to respond one way or the other. I feel so juvenile. I will probably throw caution to the wind and just go for it, but that lack of control scares me more than anything.

jtk, Fear comes from the enemy. You do not have to worry when you depend on God to lead and protect you and see you through all sorts of life situations.
No matter how this turns out and go slow, God will see you through.

[TXFOOSBALL]

***Warning: what follows is long, boring and will leave you thinking that I'm a jerk. You've been warned***

I don’t normally present to this board (or any for that matter) matters of a personal nature, but I have recently found myself confronted with circumstances that are beyond my comprehension and, I fear, beyond my ability to confront. This board represents a wide spectrum of opinions that I have grown to trust so it is my hope that maybe a little direction can be found from you anonymous, but gorgeous faces.

A little background info… I had been best friends with a guy my age since I was in elementary school. We went to church together, hung out together… all that crap. He had a sister a couple of years younger than us. Since I spent as much time around them and their family as I did my own, she became an extended member of my family and I always treated her as such. Anyway, as the years grew, we grew and so did our relationship. She went from being my best friend’s sister to a very special part of my life. A few years ago, a multitude of events intensified our relationship. Keep in mind that at this point the relationship was completely platonic. There was a great deal of love, but it was that non-sexual male-female love that has hopefully been experienced by others so I don’t sound like a complete idiot. That being said, I felt our relationship was starting to shift to more of a non-platonic, intimate relationship. For the better part of a year, she fell asleep every night in my arms and I closed my eyes to thank God for putting her in my life.

Now, keep in mind that at this point we are still seeing other people. I was still battle scared from a horrendous breakup that was all my fault so I was beating the hell out of myself. Perhaps it is then that I started to see my friend in a different light, but that is beside the point. We discussed our relationships with each other, bounced ideas off of each other and the sort. It was seriously a Joey/Dawson type Dawson’s Creek relationship (I really do like that show BTW). She had gone through some tough spells of her own and I could see that she was being drawn to the wrong kind of man. The kind of shady guys that care about one thing, get it and leave. I know so many of these guys that I can smell their imitation Polo Sport a mile away. I tried my best to warn her and help her out. I didn't pretend to suggest that I was the answer to her problems, but I tried to be a facilitator for that answer. For what ever the physiological reason, I think her past which included sexual abuse (not from a family member) and her recent string of bad relationships, started drawing her to these bad types.

The side story to this is that her brother, who had been my friend since little league, and I were growing apart as friends. Frankly, we couldn’t stand each other any more and we both knew it. We threw around the word “friend” as carelessly as one throws out a bag of trash and our friendship meant about that much to us. Our friendship ended very abruptly in the parking lot of Shotwell Stadium as we were watching an Abilene High soccer game. It had been brought to my attention that in a state of inebriation, he had done some inappropriate things and I took it upon myself to confront him. A very heated and damn near physical exchange took place in that parking lot in which we said our peace and walked away. We were both upset and as much as we had grown apart, I know that neither of us wanted our relationship to end like that, but we were prepared to walk away and move on. Well, the problem was that his sister was right there with him and like any good sister, she did not care for what I had to say to her big brother.

That fight between two childhood friends spilled over to a fight between his sister and I and it wasn’t too long after that night in the parking lot that our friendship, a relationship I valued more than any other I had ever had, came to a crashing end in one night of heated exchanges that saw us say that most horrible, and hurtful things to each other. Things that I will go to my grave ashamed for saying. It was brutal. This was a girl that just a couple weeks prior kissed me on the lips and laid her head on my chest to go to sleep and it has now been more than 3 years since we last spoke.

The time after that was difficult beyond words. We never spoke to one another and the few times we were within eye shot of each other, we exchanged bitter, angry glances. After about a year or so, I found out that she had gotten back together with one of her old boyfriends. A dirt bag that I knew and tried to keep her away from. My worst fears were realized when I found out that she had become pregnant with his child. She was devastated and if the pregnancy wasn’t bad enough, the [censored] left and refused to have anything to do with her or the baby. I felt so bad for her and wanted so bad to be there for her, but the anger and bitterness inside of me that had been building for over a year prevented me from even writing here a damn e-mail.

I’ve had 3 years to look back on everything and I’m a basket case full of conflicting emotions. Part of me misses her so bad that every thought of being away from her torments my heart, but part of me is so hurt and angered by her and her actions. It is a battle just to type this. I know that I still love her so much, but that love is buried under layer after layer of hate, regret and bitterness. I don’t know how to deal with this. I’ve never experienced anything like this and I’m dying inside. I’ve always been a loving, caring person but I have allowed this hate towards her to build in me and I hate myself for that.

Anyway, the above rambling has led me to the present time. She managed to track me down over the computer and she made first contact several days ago. I will not lie, I wept like a baby just reading the computer screen. For whatever the reason, I responded and we have since exchanged simple pleasantries and tried to update each other on our lives. A relationship that once featured us holding each other while divulging our deepest secrets has become a series of e-mails chronicling where we work and how we spend our weekends. As pathetic as that is, I found those e-mails authored by her fingers to be of great comfort. It’s brought back some pain, but it’s also bringing something positive.

My problem is that she wants to be friends again and I don’t know what to do. We both have a lot of resentment built up and I know that at any moment that could explode and we would be back on the front lines lobbing grenades at one another. I want her back in my life so bad, but there is a little man inside of me telling me to stay away. To forget it and move on because you can’t be hurt again if you don’t put yourself in harms way. Sound logic, but crappy at the same time. I don’t know what to do. I’m not the smartest man and I’m not the most experienced and I’m in a place that I could have never imagined. I’m crying out into the soulless void of cyberspace begging for help. Just a little direction or word of wisdom.

I must really apologize for the length of this nonsensical gibberish. This is therapy for me and I apologize to any innocent bystanders who were sucked into my black hole of pathetic ineptitude. Forgive me for the wasting of your time, but please understand that my confusion has overwhelmed me and I’m wandering through the forest looking for any sign pointing me the way out. If anybody has any clue as to what I have said and/or can in any way relate, please help me. I can’t risk growing close to her again only to be torn apart again, but I don’t know if I can live without her either. I’m a wreck.

Im sorry if I sounded rude but it just seemed to me that he wants to come in and be the one for her. Getting involved with someone who has had a history of sexual abuse and has been "giving it up" before she really learns about a guy could be more than you have asked for. Im not saying hes stupid because I have been a a similar situation where a girl has a real bad history but you think you can change her life and be the one for her. Just seems like way too much baggage....JMO

I have also been going through a rough time figuring out a certain girl and asking god for help solves all.

[lonny23]

jtk, the previous posts about seeking the guidance of God are right on. In him you cannot fail. I do feel led to give you my "testimony" as your situation sounds similar to mine with out all the fighting and brother involvement and all.

I was working at a place with a wife and, at that time, 2 kids. There was a nice girl who worked there that I respected and enjoyed talking to a whole bunch. During the almost 5 years I worked with her, it was a totally platonic relationship, we were just kind of best friends, at least as much as you can be with her husband working there also and he always thought we had something going on, but we didn't.

Anyway, he was a jerk and was always cheating on her. Everybody knew it. But she just kept on plugging along like a trooper, raising her kids and taking the high road. I really respected her and always wished my wife, who was an "itch with a B", had some of her traits as a woman, wife, mother, and female in general.

Well, the opportunity to take the job at the Post Office came along, and it would seem a no-brianer to take the job, but I was having mixed emotions about leaving there. I was going to miss her friendship and I knew if I went to the post office, I would never see her again. Well, I did the right thing for my family and took the PO job. We barely said goodbye to each other because it hurt too much. I could tell she was mad that last day, so I didn't even say goodbye, I could tell we were both not right that day, so I just walked away.

What I didn't realize at the time was that we were in love, but our sense of duty and what was morally correct kept us from doing things we should not do.

Time passes, I get divorced and am left to raise my 3 kids alone. I raise them for 6 years by myself. I think about her often, but I know the kind of woman she was and I just knew she wouldn't leave him, no matter how bad he was, so I just kept her out of my mind and tried to forget that I knew where she lived and could be there in 10 minutes.

I had a serious girlfriend during some of that time and she broke up, deciding that she didn't want to play mommy after all, so while talking to a friend on my route, I told him I was just going to raise my kids and forget about women until they got out of school, except for one girl, if she ever became available, I would think about persuing her, but no one else. I didn't know any other women who deserved my time.

I hadn't seen or heard from her in over 10 years.

A mere 3 days later, another guy on my route who worked with her at that company and me also when I was there, told me that she was divorced, that she got out because her husband had become so bad, and drank all the time, and had become physical and threatened her. I asked him if it was final and he said yes. I told him to give her my number and if she wanted to call me, OK. He stopped me a few days later and handed me her number and said that she said I could call her, that she didn't call guys.

Well, I called her that evening and we talked from 7 PM till after 4 AM. We talked for about 3-4 hours the next 3 nights. We set up a date to meet at the boat docks I fished at one night. We sat there and talked for about 6 hours that night just rehashing the old stuff and catching up on the new stuff.

The rest is history, we got serious within a week of that point and have been inseperable for the last 13 years since then. We are STILL best friends and we don't do very much without each other.

All I can say is that when I read your note, I felt the same emotions that I felt about her. I think you love her, and I think she probably thinks the same about you. It's why you gravitated back to each other. It's why she's your greatest regret, just like my girl was with me. Come to find out, she felt the same way about me back in the day and the day I quit that place was the worst day in her life at that point, just like for me.

I'm not saying she's the one, but you'll always regret it if you don't find the guts to find out. You don't find the right girl if you don't take a few chances.

Procede with caution, but certainly procede, or you will hate yourself for not finding out. You will be an old man someday always wondering.........

That's where I would be now if I didn't take a chance at happiness.
Great post and story. You told him one of the things that I was thinking of saying and that he would regret it for the rest of his life if he didn't start talking to her again.

[lonny23]

Thanks for all the advice folks. It has not fallen on deaf ears or... or blind eyes as the case may be.

She has contacted me and wants my phone numbers so that we might talk. That's a step I am not ready for, but I have yet to respond one way or the other. I feel so juvenile. I will probably throw caution to the wind and just go for it, but that lack of control scares me more than anything.
jtk,

You'll never truly experience love if you always have to have some kind of control. We can't even have a great relationship with God if we always have to be in control. I know you're setting yourself up for potential heartache, but you have to open up if you're ever going to love any woman. It doesn't matter if you're a woman or a man in that the other person feels cheated and pulls back when their partner can't go all-in and expose themselves to potential heartbreak. I never could love my wife like I needed to because she never went all-in.

[lonny23]

Im sorry if I sounded rude but it just seemed to me that he wants to come in and be the one for her. Getting involved with someone who has had a history of sexual abuse and has been "giving it up" before she really learns about a guy could be more than you have asked for. Im not saying hes stupid because I have been a a similar situation where a girl has a real bad history but you think you can change her life and be the one for her. Just seems like way too much baggage....JMO

I have also been going through a rough time figuring out a certain girl and asking god for help solves all.
Sexual abuse is a hard situation to get over. The pain of the past follows you around for the rest of your life unless you can be healed of the pain, but more importantly the fear. The biggest problem in relationships with sexual abuse victims is the fear many have of getting close to another person the same sex as the abuser. Many are afraid it will happen again and that fear sabotages many relationships. Many sexual abuse victims can't get over what's happened to them and they get scared of new loves.

[jtk1519]

NO, that girls got ton of baggage. Dont try and save her! Youre trying to be captain saveaho....it does not work trust me. "You cant turn a ho into a housewife."

I understand what you are saying and agree with a lot of it, but don't let me leave any of you with the impression that she is a tramp or something. She was raped in her early teens by a guy that was a friend of mine. Part of the reason we became so close and I became so protective was because I felt responsible for that happening to her.

Around the time she became pregnant, her parents were going through a rough divorce. Her mother had been living with another man and "Mary" was in the middle of a culture that frankly didn't give a damn and my petty self left her there alone. I'm not trying to make excuses mind you, but I do want to just point out that she wasn't working corners at 3am. In fact, I bare a good amount of blame for it all.

That said, there is a ton of baggage, but I'm a hopeless bundle of confused incompetence myself so it's not like I would be walking into this thing squeaky clean. Both of us have gone through rough periods over the past couple of years and while both of us are battle scared (emotionally speaking of course), both of us have come out in one piece and maybe that is the common ground we have to build something new on. We will probably never be anything beyond "just friends", but being "just friends" with her is not a silver medal.

[HUM398]

I understand what you are saying and agree with a lot of it, but don't let me leave any of you with the impression that she is a tramp or something. She was raped in her early teens by a guy that was a friend of mine. Part of the reason we became so close and I became so protective was because I felt responsible for that happening to her.

Around the time she became pregnant, her parents were going through a rough divorce. Her mother had been living with another man and "Mary" was in the middle of a culture that frankly didn't give a damn and my petty self left her there alone. I'm not trying to make excuses mind you, but I do want to just point out that she wasn't working corners at 3am. In fact, I bare a good amount of blame for it all.

That said, there is a ton of baggage, but I'm a hopeless bundle of confused incompetence myself so it's not like I would be walking into this thing squeaky clean. Both of us have gone through rough periods over the past couple of years and while both of us are battle scared (emotionally speaking of course), both of us have come out in one piece and maybe that is the common ground we have to build something new on. We will probably never be anything beyond "just friends", but being "just friends" with her is not a silver medal.

Great way to look at it, if i read it right.

[GoOwls]

I understand what you are saying and agree with a lot of it, but don't let me leave any of you with the impression that she is a tramp or something. She was raped in her early teens by a guy that was a friend of mine. Part of the reason we became so close and I became so protective was because I felt responsible for that happening to her.

Around the time she became pregnant, her parents were going through a rough divorce. Her mother had been living with another man and "Mary" was in the middle of a culture that frankly didn't give a damn and my petty self left her there alone. I'm not trying to make excuses mind you, but I do want to just point out that she wasn't working corners at 3am. In fact, I bare a good amount of blame for it all.

That said, there is a ton of baggage, but I'm a hopeless bundle of confused incompetence myself so it's not like I would be walking into this thing squeaky clean. Both of us have gone through rough periods over the past couple of years and while both of us are battle scared (emotionally speaking of course), both of us have come out in one piece and maybe that is the common ground we have to build something new on. We will probably never be anything beyond "just friends", but being "just friends" with her is not a silver medal.

It's great if you become friends again first. I have always contended on this board that you should marry your best friend (of the opposite sex, of course).

It's much easier to sit on the front porch in your 70's with your friend than with someone you only liked during sex.

[lonny23]

It's great if you become friends again first. I have always contended on this board that you should marry your best friend (of the opposite sex, of course).

It's much easier to sit on the front porch in your 70's with your friend than with someone you only liked during sex.
Doesn't that depend upon whether or not you can have sex on your front porch?:D

OK, you're right. Sex can come and go, but friendship can last a lifetime.

[jtk1519]

Great way to look at it, if i read it right.

I think you did.

[Miss Kitty]

I understand what you are saying and agree with a lot of it, but don't let me leave any of you with the impression that she is a tramp or something. She was raped in her early teens by a guy that was a friend of mine. Part of the reason we became so close and I became so protective was because I felt responsible for that happening to her.

Around the time she became pregnant, her parents were going through a rough divorce. Her mother had been living with another man and "Mary" was in the middle of a culture that frankly didn't give a damn and my petty self left her there alone. I'm not trying to make excuses mind you, but I do want to just point out that she wasn't working corners at 3am. In fact, I bare a good amount of blame for it all.

That said, there is a ton of baggage, but I'm a hopeless bundle of confused incompetence myself so it's not like I would be walking into this thing squeaky clean. Both of us have gone through rough periods over the past couple of years and while both of us are battle scared (emotionally speaking of course), both of us have come out in one piece and maybe that is the common ground we have to build something new on. We will probably never be anything beyond "just friends", but being "just friends" with her is not a silver medal.

Don't worry about battle scars. They make us who we are and if you let God take the reins, they actually make us better people. To many times people look at scars as something bad instead of unique characteristics. Think of a diamond, it is a rough rock, and after parts of it are chipped away, and it is scarred forever, only those scars are called facetts and the more there is the more it shines and it becomes "perfect". People should be the same way. Our scars in life should be considered facetts, to make us unique and shine more brilliantly in life.

You have a great attitude and open heart about the whole thing. That is a good characteristic you have.