I'm emotionally unstable

[jtk1519]

Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to buy an automatic handgun and start taking hostages, but the little bit of mind I have left is slowly dripping away like the last bit of water falling from a melting icicle. Since I graduated high school in May of 2000, I have been on a non-stop roller coaster ride that has taken me through far too many lows and not near enough highs. Everything in my life over the last six years has been a full blown mental and emotional assault and none of the circumstances surrounding my situation have had anything to do with my life.

I'm trying so hard not to be self-centered and I am at odds with my own mind for selfishly trying to put my own feelings and endeavors at the front of a line in which they don't belong. I am 24 years old and single (though my martial status is of little relevance since I don’t want to be married in the first place). Six years ago, I had a detailed plan for my life and I'm looking back on those plans only to see that I have yet to accomplish any of the goals set for myself. The lack of progress can be blamed on a multitude of circumstances that are too many and private to detail here, but I cannot look at my lack of progress without issuing some blame on myself.

I don't know why I'm saying this. It's almost midnight and I'm sitting on the second floor with the windows open and a cold breeze trying it's best to ruin the warm cup of hot chocolate I'm taking way too long to drink. Cool weather does funny things to me. This is by far my favorite time of the year, but it is sometimes the most painful. This time of the year brings back the wonderful memories of my childhood. I had the best childhood a kid could ever have had and this time of the year never fails to whisk me back to those wonderful, youthful feelings I had as a child preparing for Halloween, gathering with the ones I love the most at Thanksgiving and eagerly awaiting the first signs of snow. My memories are so vivid and close that they are almost painful.

You see, thinking back on my childhood takes me back to an optimistic time in my life where the very world seemed to be at my fingertips. The world was my buffet and I had a really big plate. Now, I can't help but feel like that world is slipping away from me at an all too steady rate. My mind and emotions have turned from the glorious hope-filled potential of the years ahead of me to the painful examination of the empty years behind me. I have the gut feeling that I am too young to be going through this stage in my life, but I am a soul dominated by a mind that happens to have a mind of it's own and despite my genuine desire to focus my attention on the life ahead, there is something that is holding my head steady and forcing me to gaze into a recent past that is full of pain, heartache and unfulfilled dreams.

Some of you know me... most of you don't. What you know of me is the almost school yard bully like facade that I sometimes adorn as a I meander through the pages of these message boards. You see a sometimes arrogant ***** who never shuts up and is seemingly in love with his own intellect. Reality is far from that. In real life, I am a very quite person who while physically dominating, is often lost in the smallest of crowds. I'm shy. Shy to the point of being a recluse. In real life, my thoughts are my closest companion and these boards sometimes serve as a platform for me to present myself in a manner which contradicts how I live my real life. I suppose Freud could have a field day with this right now, but I would have to explain the internet to him and I just don't have the time. I have analyzed myself to death and the more I examine, the sicker I become. My self-esteem hit rock bottom years ago and I have hated myself for a long while.

I'm a very spiritual person who has lost touch with his spirit. I'm still on speaking terms with God, but I can't go to Him without hanging my head in painful shame because the warmth and love he has and continues to show me is met by my cold and confused spirit that is desperately looking for the way back home. I'm embarrassed, ashamed and confused. The harder I try, the more I beat myself up for not trying hard enough. It's an endless cycle and I have just about beat myself to death.

The reasons behind this thread baffle me. I have rambled on for 30 minutes now pretty much clueless to what my fingers have typed. All I know if that I keep looking out my window wondering why it is that the harder and faster I run, the further away the light at the end of the tunnel appears. I feel mentally and emotionally weak right now. I feel old and tired. I’m not looking for sympathy or words of encouragement. I guess I’m just looking for a release.

What I have endured these past few years is nothing. I have watched my loved ones around me endure more pain and frustration than I am ever likely to endure myself, yet they forge ahead while I selfishly ponder the futile nature of my own existence. I'm trying to hold my head up, gasping for air while the ones that have every reason in the world to be drowning are moving on. I can't help but wonder why that can't be me... what I'm doing wrong... why I'm such a pathetic failure. Now, my heart is in full assault mode attacking for mind for it's petty and selfish thoughts. And so the cycle continues, with no end in sight.

[BeauxGeezy]

It's life brother. I can identify with just about everything you just said.
Surround yourself with positive people and rely on the power of prayer.
It won't be an instant fix...believe me I sometimes want it to be...but it's not. But at least you are not trying to figure all of this out by yourself.
Give all of what you just said to God and let it go. Corny? Yeah....but it is just about the only thing that you can do. I do it......I'm the self-proclaimed baddest mf'r on the planet....but I still recognize a power that is much more awesome than I will ever be. It's hard to do at times........and believe me I'm not preaching to you man...try to let go of some of that pain and frustration. It is something that I battle every damn day. Without my wife and kids I would have been done a long time ago. I had to give in and admit that I was stubborn and I needed some help.
I just wanted you to know that you are not alone by any means. I am just as screwed up as the next guy. Don't let it beat you dude. Don't EVER put your head down and say that you are a failure. That's what losers do......you having the balls to be this candid on a public forum speaks volumes about you. It says you ain't scared....it says you know that you are better than what your mind keeps telling you. Let it go man...
I'm here for you dawg...let me know if you need anything.


it's 1am and jtk is depressed......and ou still sucks.

[zippy]

Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to buy an automatic handgun and start taking hostages, but the little bit of mind I have left is slowly dripping away like the last bit of water falling from a melting icicle. Since I graduated high school in May of 2000, I have been on a non-stop roller coaster ride that has taken me through far too many lows and not near enough highs. Everything in my life over the last six years has been a full blown mental and emotional assault and none of the circumstances surrounding my situation have had anything to do with my life.

I'm trying so hard not to be self-centered and I am at odds with my own mind for selfishly trying to put my own feelings and endeavors at the front of a line in which they don't belong. I am 24 years old and single (though my martial status is of little relevance since I don’t want to be married in the first place). Six years ago, I had a detailed plan for my life and I'm looking back on those plans only to see that I have yet to accomplish any of the goals set for myself. The lack of progress can be blamed on a multitude of circumstances that are too many and private to detail here, but I cannot look at my lack of progress without issuing some blame on myself.

I don't know why I'm saying this. It's almost midnight and I'm sitting on the second floor with the windows open and a cold breeze trying it's best to ruin the warm cup of hot chocolate I'm taking way too long to drink. Cool weather does funny things to me. This is by far my favorite time of the year, but it is sometimes the most painful. This time of the year brings back the wonderful memories of my childhood. I had the best childhood a kid could ever have had and this time of the year never fails to whisk me back to those wonderful, youthful feelings I had as a child preparing for Halloween, gathering with the ones I love the most at Thanksgiving and eagerly awaiting the first signs of snow. My memories are so vivid and close that they are almost painful.

You see, thinking back on my childhood takes me back to an optimistic time in my life where the very world seemed to be at my fingertips. The world was my buffet and I had a really big plate. Now, I can't help but feel like that world is slipping away from me at an all too steady rate. My mind and emotions have turned from the glorious hope-filled potential of the years ahead of me to the painful examination of the empty years behind me. I have the gut feeling that I am too young to be going through this stage in my life, but I am a soul dominated by a mind that happens to have a mind of it's own and despite my genuine desire to focus my attention on the life ahead, there is something that is holding my head steady and forcing me to gaze into a recent past that is full of pain, heartache and unfulfilled dreams.

Some of you know me... most of you don't. What you know of me is the almost school yard bully like facade that I sometimes adorn as a I meander through the pages of these message boards. You see a sometimes arrogant ***** who never shuts up and is seemingly in love with his own intellect. Reality is far from that. In real life, I am a very quite person who while physically dominating, is often lost in the smallest of crowds. I'm shy. Shy to the point of being a recluse. In real life, my thoughts are my closest companion and these boards sometimes serve as a platform for me to present myself in a manner which contradicts how I live my real life. I suppose Freud could have a field day with this right now, but I would have to explain the internet to him and I just don't have the time. I have analyzed myself to death and the more I examine, the sicker I become. My self-esteem hit rock bottom years ago and I have hated myself for a long while.

I'm a very spiritual person who has lost touch with his spirit. I'm still on speaking terms with God, but I can't go to Him without hanging my head in painful shame because the warmth and love he has and continues to show me is met by my cold and confused spirit that is desperately looking for the way back home. I'm embarrassed, ashamed and confused. The harder I try, the more I beat myself up for not trying hard enough. It's an endless cycle and I have just about beat myself to death.

The reasons behind this thread baffle me. I have rambled on for 30 minutes now pretty much clueless to what my fingers have typed. All I know if that I keep looking out my window wondering why it is that the harder and faster I run, the further away the light at the end of the tunnel appears. I feel mentally and emotionally weak right now. I feel old and tired. I’m not looking for sympathy or words of encouragement. I guess I’m just looking for a release.

What I have endured these past few years is nothing. I have watched my loved ones around me endure more pain and frustration than I am ever likely to endure myself, yet they forge ahead while I selfishly ponder the futile nature of my own existence. I'm trying to hold my head up, gasping for air while the ones that have every reason in the world to be drowning are moving on. I can't help but wonder why that can't be me... what I'm doing wrong... why I'm such a pathetic failure. Now, my heart is in full assault mode attacking for mind for it's petty and selfish thoughts. And so the cycle continues, with no end in sight.


http://www.suicide.com/ good site.

[SeguinMatadors]

That is the first long post I have ever read. I've got to tell you... a lot of what you feel.. I feel too... and it sucks. All of your thoughts of childhood... and them being so close yet so far... I am right there with you. Good luck buddy.

[lonny23]

jtk, I'm sending you a PM. I agree with what Wide said. If ANY of you posters on this board ever feel down or need somebody to talk to, I'm here for you. You guys know I'm up all the time so, don't worry about that.

[SeguinMatadors]

It's life brother. I can identify with just about everything you just said.
Surround yourself with positive people and rely on the power of prayer.
It won't be an instant fix...believe me I sometimes want it to be...but it's not. But at least you are not trying to figure all of this out by yourself.
Give all of what you just said to God and let it go. Corny? Yeah....but it is just about the only thing that you can do. I do it......I'm the self-proclaimed baddest mf'r on the planet....but I still recognize a power that is much more awesome than I will ever be. It's hard to do at times........and believe me I'm not preaching to you man...try to let go of some of that pain and frustration. It is something that I battle every damn day. Without my wife and kids I would have been done a long time ago. I had to give in and admit that I was stubborn and I needed some help.
I just wanted you to know that you are not alone by any means. I am just as screwed up as the next guy. Don't let it beat you dude. Don't EVER put your head down and say that you are a failure. That's what losers do......you having the balls to be this candid on a public forum speaks volumes about you. It says you ain't scared....it says you know that you are better than what your mind keeps telling you. Let it go man...
I'm here for you dawg...let me know if you need anything.


it's 1am and jtk is depressed......and ou still sucks.

Ditto to that. I think we can all relate to what he said... we have all been there in some way or another.

[Tigerjag]

http://www.suicide.com/ good site.

It sounds like a joke, but it's an excellent site.

I sent you a PM, but I'll say part of it here. You sound profoundly depressed. Please find a professional to talk to. Depression has no rhyme or reason and you can't just shake it off. It's nothing to be ashamed of or treated lightly, and you don't (and shouldn't) have to live feeling this way about yourself. Please, please, please - find professional help. We can care about and support you here, but you need someone in your corner who actually knows what to do for you.

[twcpfan1]

It sounds like a joke, but it's an excellent site.

I sent you a PM, but I'll say part of it here. You sound profoundly depressed. Please find a professional to talk to. Depression has no rhyme or reason and you can't just shake it off. It's nothing to be ashamed of or treated lightly, and you don't (and shouldn't) have to live feeling this way about yourself. Please, please, please - find professional help. We can care about and support you here, but you need someone in your corner who actually knows what to do for you.

I agree. A professional will be able to confirm whether it is a clinical problem..which in a lot of cases, it is ,and totally something you have no control over. He'll be able to get you what you need. Good Luck to you

[lonny23]

I agree. A professional will be able to confirm whether it is a clinical problem..which in a lot of cases, it is ,and totally something you have no control over. He'll be able to get you what you need. Good Luck to you
What's he's going through is pure and simple of a spiritual nature.

[pack0808]

wow! I do not know what to say bro? Are you on some good **** and did not puff puff pass?

[Tigerjag]

What's he's going through is pure and simple of a spiritual nature.

No, Lonny, it isn't. Nothing jtk is going through right now is simple. This is why I've said that he needs to seek professional help, instead of listening to someone like you who thinks they know everything. Don't make this thread about you and your opinions.

[DragonBand06]

Everyone here wants to help. Lets focus more on helping than who said what.

[pack0808]

Nah when I went back and reread what I read I am sorry for what I said. I was just kidding by the way. I apologize and wish you nothing but the best. Just pray and ask God for help bro.

[CyFallsMom]

JTK, you know we are all here for you and everyone else on this board - I have come to consider so many of you friends (that I've never met for the most part) but friends nevertheless. We argue, laugh, tell stories and share feelings.

What you are saying about your childhood - it hits all of us from time to time. We face our own mortality as we get older. I'm 46 years old and still think about childhood and when I was younger as compared to where I am now. I had a fun, qurky childhood - had a grandfather who ran a sanitarium, 2 hippy sisters, a Marine dad, a Nazi who lived down the street - fun times. But, as you grow older, you realize that what you have right now is what matters. I've had heartbreak and total nirvana in my life but the here and now is the way. Fall is the best time of the year but it is the time of year that I too think about the past - I love Halloween and the holidays and the memories of playing in leaves and going Trick or Treating come back and I enjoy them. There is good and bad to our past and we usually only remember the good - the Future on the other hand - well, that is whatever you make of it as long as the bad ghosts of yesterday aren't allowed to join. You are 25 - you have the world at your fingertips if you so choose. I would love to be 25 again except that I would have to go through childbirth again - no thanks:). 46 and having kids getting ready to go off like butterflies - that's where it's at! Remember, life gets better with age like a fine wine...

[lonny23]

JTK, you know we are all here for you and everyone else on this board - I have come to consider so many of you friends (that I've never met for the most part) but friends nevertheless. We argue, laugh, tell stories and share feelings.

What you are saying about your childhood - it hits all of us from time to time. We face our own mortality as we get older. I'm 46 years old and still think about childhood and when I was younger as compared to where I am now. I had a fun, qurky childhood - had a grandfather who ran a sanitarium, 2 hippy sisters, a Marine dad, a Nazi who lived down the street - fun times. But, as you grow older, you realize that what you have right now is what matters. I've had heartbreak and total nirvana in my life but the here and now is the way. Fall is the best time of the year but it is the time of year that I too think about the past - I love Halloween and the holidays and the memories of playing in leaves and going Trick or Treating come back and I enjoy them. There is good and bad to our past and we usually only remember the good - the Future on the other hand - well, that is whatever you make of it as long as the bad ghosts of yesterday aren't allowed to join. You are 25 - you have the world at your fingertips if you so choose. I would love to be 25 again except that I would have to go through childbirth again - no thanks:). 46 and having kids getting ready to go off like butterflies - that's where it's at! Remember, life gets better with age like a fine wine...
Good post. I think a lot about the past, but I've always made my current age the time of my life. I don't believe in not making my current age fun. Not everything goes my way (like Saturday and Sunday) but I remember that I have 2 kids that love me and I sure remember that God loves me and has a plan for my life. Falling back on HIs love and trusting Him keeps me going and lets the worries of life pass me by.

[mad_fan]

'I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I –
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.


Robert Frost in your sig tells me a lot. I am among those that don’t know you, but I know of you.
I think your posting your message here can be therapeutic.
I'll PM you a little story...or maybe post it...I'll have to think about that a bit.

[LUFPAN]

We're all in this together brother. I don't think there's a person over 30 who hasn't been through this phase of their life. We all look back on our lives and compare our accomplishments to our goals and feel a great emptiness when we realize some of those goals remain unaccomplished. Often times its the goals that we consider to be the most important that are left unaccomplished. I do not think there are many people on this board who can say that their life has unfolded exactly the way that they planned it. People follow plans but life doesn't. Fortunately, God makes all things work together for good. My life is not why I planned it to be, but God has made it blessed despite my short-comings. There's a whole lot of good in the world and in life. If we spend the good times thinking about the bad times, then the whole thing becomes bad. But if we remember the good times (and God's blessings) during the bad times then we always have goodness and hope. God bless you.

[KTB mom]

You are not alone. Here's a few words of encouragement that have helped many people in the past 2,000 years.

I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you, so that we confidently say, The Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid." Hebrews 13:5

"'For I know the plans that I have for you,' " declares the Lord, 'plans for welfare and not calamity to give you a future and a hope.' " Jeremiah 29:11

"When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You. In God I have put my trust...I will not fear." Psalm 56

Sometimes things can look dark, but remember that dawn always comes. If you feel you can't handle your problems on your own, please seek professional help. They will give you help - not judge you or blame you for your problems. And remember that God is always with you. You just have to ask for His help and He will respond.

[Favpack]

Just a couple of observations jtk if you don't mind:

-You're probably the best, most astute debator on this forum. That in itself presents a double-edged sword. I don't think ongoing, mind-numbing debates are good for one's spirit - at least not mine. I know from experience my man. So, what you're good at can be not so good if not kept in check possibly.

- Embrace the forum from a friendship perspective. We all have a passion for discussing hs football and football in general. It helped me immensely to meet up with 5a forumites at games. I used to have a pretty raw attitude toward SLC for no reason other than them being an opponent. Then I met a few SLC people from here and that totally vanished. From what I gather there was a heck of a 5atxftball.com tailgate party at a recent SLC game - sorry I missed it - but I know it was a riot to get to know people from here.

-I could be dead wrong here - but it sure seems there's some almost downright hatred over at hornfans.com? I could be wrong, and maybe I am, and I know this is no different from sites for Mich., A&M, and other schools. But, I do know that would eventually affect me hanging out there.

Ok, enough - let's all meet up at some games together - it's fun.

[dada]

I'm gonna keep it simple....Tough times dont last, tough people do

[twcpfan1]

This thread brings to mind another subject. I'd be interested to hear from ex high school football players who played their last football game in high school. Particularly the ones who played in high profile programs. I am wondering if the adjustment has been difficult.

[dada]

This thread brings to mind another subject. I'd be interested to hear from ex high school football players who played their last football game in high school. Particularly the ones who played in high profile programs. I am wondering if the adjustment has been difficult.
Great idea.........back when I finished and john jenkins told me I was to small to be a db I took it hard at first......went through a semi-depression. At the time it was UH or bust for me....started talking to recruiters with no plans of joining the armed forces....was basicly going to the recruiters to get the free dinners and let them stroke my ego and tell me how bad they wanted me. Went to the Navy Recruiter...told them I wanted to be Air Craft mechanic....told me it was a 4yr enlistment.....told them no thanks...same with the Marines and Airforce.....when you're 17-18 4 years seems like a lifetime....where will your buddies be in 4 years...or that girl you KNOW you're gonna spend the rest of your life with??? Army had 2 year enlistments....flirted with them for awhile....after football I just wanted someone "recruiting"me since that darn John Jenkins broke my heart...My mom began to tell everyone and everyone was telling me how proud they were...etc...etc....so I was like "Uh oh" I almost HAVE to do it now....so we call the recruiter back up and tell her I'm ready....start talking about enlistments, MOS's and how I can use it when I get out.......to make a long story short I ended up signing for 4 years........I'm babbling so I will stop now

[Daniel Agnew]

JTK, you know I got your back man, anything you need give me a ring. Funny how when you're alone & you start thinking about what you have & have not accomplished & then your ego starts getting in the way. But keep your head up & keep on going & everything will work out better in the end man. PM me if you need anything.

[J-Rock Mom]

JTK, remember what everyone has been saying we are all here for you. You may want to speak to a professional just to get to the root of the problem. There is nothing wrong with it. Everyone now and then needs someone from the outside to talk to.

Life can and does get better. Always remember that the Lord will be with you every step you take.

Keep your head up!!:)

[TexasRed6x]

JTK I'm here for you bro. Don't ever be afraid to talk to me if you need to.

[dragonsdaddy]

as a health care professional, i agree that a visit to your pcp is in order. the meds used to treat clinical depression are fairly effective, and not debilitating. in fact, when they are the right thing, they seem to wipe the steam off the mirror, and turn up the rheostat to full bright. keep working on it and follow up as recommended. good luck.

[lonny23]

as a health care professional, i agree that a visit to your pcp is in order. the meds used to treat clinical depression are fairly effective, and not debilitating. in fact, when they are the right thing, they seem to wipe the steam off the mirror, and turn up the rheostat to full bright. keep working on it and follow up as recommended. good luck.
You usually sound like William Shakespeare, but for once you sound like Marcus Welby!:D

[Miss Kitty]

as a health care professional, i agree that a visit to your pcp is in order. the meds used to treat clinical depression are fairly effective, and not debilitating. in fact, when they are the right thing, they seem to wipe the steam off the mirror, and turn up the rheostat to full bright. keep working on it and follow up as recommended. good luck.


Excellent advice. :)

[jtk1519]

Thanks for all the kind words folks. Let me assure all of you that I am no danger to myself or anyone else. Last night was just one of those nights that seems to happen once every few weeks. I just happened to be behind my keyboard last night so all of you were subjected to several paragraphs of ranting an whining and for that I apologize.

As I said in my initial post, I am a very quite and private person. Outwardly, I often give the appearance of a happy, positive person and I have no doubt that I am that at my very core. The problem is that buried right underneath that happy exterior if a mass of chaos and confusion that I'm trying to untangle. Every now and then, all that chaos grows to be too much and has to escape through the surface. That is what happened last night.

Right now, I'm my usual self. I felt so good unloading all of that stuff last night, but as I re-read it now, I'm quite embarrassed for having unloaded like that. I fear as though I may have given some the wrong impression. I am not now, nor have I ever been suicidal. The light at the end of the tunnel may be more faint than it used to be, but it is still there and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that good things await. I just have to keep chugging along.

Anyway, thanks again.

[TexasRed6x]

Thanks for all the kind words folks. Let me assure all of you that I am no danger to myself or anyone else. Last night was just one of those nights that seems to happen once every few weeks. I just happened to be behind my keyboard last night so all of you were subjected to several paragraphs of ranting an whining and for that I apologize.

As I said in my initial post, I am a very quite and private person. Outwardly, I often give the appearance of a happy, positive person and I have no doubt that I am that at my very core. The problem is that buried right underneath that happy exterior if a mass of chaos and confusion that I'm trying to untangle. Every now and then, all that chaos grows to be too much and has to escape through the surface. That is what happened last night.

Right now, I'm my usual self. I felt so good unloading all of that stuff last night, but as I re-read it now, I'm quite embarrassed for having unloaded like that. I fear as though I may have given some the wrong impression. I am not now, nor have I ever been suicidal. The light at the end of the tunnel may be more faint than it used to be, but it is still there and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that good things await. I just have to keep chugging along.

Anyway, thanks again.
Glad to hear that you are finally feeling better JTK. :)

[dragonsdaddy]

Thanks for all the kind words folks. Let me assure all of you that I am no danger to myself or anyone else. Last night was just one of those nights that seems to happen once every few weeks. I just happened to be behind my keyboard last night so all of you were subjected to several paragraphs of ranting an whining and for that I apologize.

As I said in my initial post, I am a very quite and private person. Outwardly, I often give the appearance of a happy, positive person and I have no doubt that I am that at my very core. The problem is that buried right underneath that happy exterior if a mass of chaos and confusion that I'm trying to untangle. Every now and then, all that chaos grows to be too much and has to escape through the surface. That is what happened last night.

Right now, I'm my usual self. I felt so good unloading all of that stuff last night, but as I re-read it now, I'm quite embarrassed for having unloaded like that. I fear as though I may have given some the wrong impression. I am not now, nor have I ever been suicidal. The light at the end of the tunnel may be more faint than it used to be, but it is still there and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that good things await. I just have to keep chugging along.

Anyway, thanks again.nothing from my recommendations has changed, despite your improvement, "today". there's no need to survive depression, unaided, when you might thrive on the right therapy. check it out. we rarely agree, but i almost always repect your opinions and expressions. this time, respect mine, and see your doctor.

[Daniel Agnew]

Thanks for all the kind words folks. Let me assure all of you that I am no danger to myself or anyone else. Last night was just one of those nights that seems to happen once every few weeks. I just happened to be behind my keyboard last night so all of you were subjected to several paragraphs of ranting an whining and for that I apologize.

As I said in my initial post, I am a very quite and private person. Outwardly, I often give the appearance of a happy, positive person and I have no doubt that I am that at my very core. The problem is that buried right underneath that happy exterior if a mass of chaos and confusion that I'm trying to untangle. Every now and then, all that chaos grows to be too much and has to escape through the surface. That is what happened last night.

Right now, I'm my usual self. I felt so good unloading all of that stuff last night, but as I re-read it now, I'm quite embarrassed for having unloaded like that. I fear as though I may have given some the wrong impression. I am not now, nor have I ever been suicidal. The light at the end of the tunnel may be more faint than it used to be, but it is still there and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that good things await. I just have to keep chugging along.

Anyway, thanks again.


No problem man, glad to see back in prime form, I know you weren't suicidal, but I had a little rant like that too(just typical stress BS), anyways I'm glad you're back on track.

[KatyTigerDad0407]

The Title of your post - Believe me you are not alone, you are not unique, That means you don't have to go through it by yourself.

Grieving those days gone by is what makes a boy a man.

Becoming a Man does not mean you don't have feelings and emotions, It just means you don't act on them. Feelings aren't right or wrong, good or bad, they just are. They are God given - usually we expierience them in order to grow spiritually. Pain is usually the best motivater of spiritual growth.

When Men and Women can't seem to grasp this last phase of human developement(usually around 18-25 years old) they act out in several different destructive ways. You are not there yet. Yet means You're eligable too.

I'd difinatley seek some professional help if I were you. The biggest mistake you could make is not loving yourself enough to do something about it.
Good luck to you, and like everyone else said, You did the right thing by reaching out. Now it is up to you to take some action.

[J-Rock Mom]

JTK, I'm happy to hear everything is back to normal. I think you just had to get somethings off your chest. Just keep your head up! :D